The mumbled musings of one odd blonde....
Below are the 10 most recent journal entries recorded in the "Pam" journal:[<< Previous 10 entries]
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11:00 pm
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comfort journal food
now THIS feels right. Like coming home. Not sure if I care if anyone sees what I write... after all, ppl here are REAL friends... not FB whatevers.
Depression sucks even more than love. Love only sucks when it's all out of balance. And hard to balance when the woolly darkness is pulled over my life, blanket smothering sluggishness.
In the long run, the journal is the best med. Speaking of meds, after 10 years of taking Effexor xr... it just doesn't seem to be working anymore. Trying Abilify with it, but not really helping either, and seem to be sinking deeper into the foggy murky paralysis.
Sigh.
People. Places. Ideas. Energy. I need them.
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09:11 am
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stepping back into life and LJ
I actually showed up IN PERSON to the last Poly munch... even though I'm not really "poly" at the moment... just single and loving who I please! It was great to see familiar loving faces. Gave "gone but not forgotten" another level! When I was there Rebecca and I renewed our commitment to rev up our Live Journal postings again. So here it is!
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03:26 am
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batten down the hatches... the next 2 months are gonna be "bouncy" as I say in "da biz"
Well, I'm spreading myself thin, starting a renewed commitment to LJ and a new class at U of Phoenix at the same time, on top of OVER the "holly daze" but here I go anyway.
And to bless me, the universal powers that be woke me up early and refreshed! I'm blessed!
Happy 200th birthday, Charles Dickens! I enjoyed falling to sleep and waking up to a Dickens movie marathon on TCM. TCM is my one hat tip to cable TV. Otherwise I'd be complete with just PBS.
Hello, Tuesday! Here I come!
Other blessings worth noting...
Quick passing for Debbie Chandler nee Whalen. RIP... or more likely, flying with angels.
Steven, an MIA student is hopefully back.
Crabby Pat didn't die... after the fact I wondered how I might have handled it if he HAD and in my car... should I have made him take an ambulance? Lots to ponder there...
Concerns and prayers for...
My student Summer's baby has WORMS?!~?!? geesh, the underbelly of life is really ugh!
My certification.... think positive positive positive!
Current Mood:  energetic
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09:20 pm
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Thankful Thursday
ok... it wasn't the best of days... and not the worst of days.
1. I'm blessed with a job.
2. I love the job I have.
3. I'm allowed to play "outside of the box" and get paid for it?!?! triple blessing!
4. Parents that are amazingly "capable" in all facets of life... even into their 70's.
5. Indoor plumbing.
6. Shelter.
7. Transportation.
8. Community.
9. Universe.
10. Transcendence.
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10:03 am
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9.11
I have to admit that I'm so RELIEVED that it falls on the weekend this year. It's still such a sensitive and emotional discussion that my already psychiatrically challenged adolescents are all over the place with it. The daily violence in their OWN lives seems to make all of us more reactive to ALL suffering. For example, one of our students has a sister that just shot 2 of her 3 children at point blank range... the third, who was oldest at age 8, ran out and survived.
I *TRY* to avoid knee jerk patriotic fervor if i can... and go more "socratic" with it... less "good guys vs bad guys" thinking, for example. Questions like you mentioned, such as what makes someone a HERO? What the heck does "PATRIOT DAY" mean!?!? What is a patriot? Looking at US History... were our "foreparents" terrorists? ( a dash of a gender lesson there!) If we look at how they treated the indigenous population, was that any more or less horrid?
So some of the questions that WE have struggled with are...
FREE WILL? Does it exist? At what point does that "kick in" for a "child" vs "adult" ? We discuss that many of the "terrorists" are young... swept up into the zealousness of adults around them. Which then leads to....
When are you AN ADULT?
Another constant struggle is the "magic number" of age 18... when my students on SS disability can take charge of their OWN check... what a nightmare for so many that are supporting their OWN PARENTS with their disability checks... the parents go to awful lengths to keep the young adults under their thumb to keep the money sometimes... sad and confusing transitions for these people, many of whom are part of a multi generational family system that has known nothing BUT disability.
BAD / EVIL vs MENTAL ILLNESS... Can someone that KILLS another possibly be SANE? (this bounced off the student's perception about the above mentioned murder... some said she was "Getting away with it" because she was pleading "insanity" as a defense??!
I *TRY* to avoid knee jerk patriotic fervor if i can... and go more "socratic" with it... less "good guys vs bad guys" thinking, for example. Questions like you mentioned, such as what makes someone a HERO? What the heck does "PATRIOT DAY" mean!?!? What is a patriot? Looking at US History... were our "foreparents" terrorists? ( a dash of a gender lesson there!) If we look at how they treated the indigenous population, was that any more or less horrid?
I was struck not long after the original 9.11 when Spain's train system was bombed. I tried to illustrate to others that, PER CAPITA that was as LARGE and sudden a loss as 9.11 was to us... I crunched the numbers, used graphs and maps... NO ONE, adult or student, would even CONSIDER that any other country had suffered as terribly as we had.
I hope this doesn't come off as callused or insensitive. My heart aches for ALL who suffered and still do. I pray that peace blankets our collective world more densly than the pervasive ash clouds did.
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06:59 am
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*sigh*... and now I'm late to work. lost identity. better to recreate.
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06:55 am
[Link] | My new resolution... to journal more. Although now I'm running late for work. Let's see if I can keep my resolution for 24 hours and post when I get home. And get healthy. And begin yoga. And remember who I "am" under this robotic and lackluster daily life.
Bonus: I still HAVE and job... AND I still LOVE the job I have. Quite a blessing, along with healthy kids, grandkids, parents, and sunrise and sunset every day.
Current Mood:  exanimate
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10:53 pm
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As the wheel turns... and hypnotizes me in the process....
So the nourishing nature of journaling... esp. LJ... is slowly returning.... like a spring thaw. I hope it lasts. I at the cusp of some major transitions... but it's feeling positive. I know it's not TH yet, Becky Zoole, but I'm grateful for so much I feel I'll post now!
!. My children. It's always a breath holding experience. From coping with the WAILS that can only be managed by walking, walking, rocking, rocking, walking... and if desperate enough, taking a few rides around the block!
... then the less exhausting but still anguised moments of *bumped noggins* when they are learning to sit up, walk, run, slide at the park the first time..... I was holding my breath *literally* for them to fall soundly to sleep (at any age!)
And then they are adults, and parents themselves... and I just marvel at the blessing of it all.
YET... as much as my heart squeezes and aches at the very sight or thought of them all, children and grandchildren alike... I feel a wall of self preservation building. I'll have to save that exploration for a longer time.
2. My parents. Still alive, in their 70's, full of vim and vigor. And yet the reality, esp for my dad, that his heart is fragile. The bittersweetness of knowing each day that they live well, and hapilly... and yet each moment can be the "last" without warning. GRATITUDE and TENDERNESS. B l e s s e d !!!!
3. I job I love. That pays decently (for a teacher!). And honestly... if they cut my pay, but let me stay? I would. It's not a job... it's an ADVENTURE! Each student is an intersection in my life. I am blessed to have been rehired ... so far!. I tell them and I mean it sincerely... I feel honored to have crossed their life path... even for a short time!
4. Spring... the smells of rain, dirt... the sight of sunrise and sunset...birds chirping when I wake up. And the blossoming of spring flovers.... tulips, lilacs, now iris.
darn... only 4. I'll have to finish soon!
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01:00 am
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Writer's Block: Take me as I am
Define serious crime, I suppose. I have a current r'ship that seems to "unfold" in those ways... sins confessed as trust is established... so far, nothing I haven't rolled with, although it has "pushed the envelope" for me ... but I'm thinking that is just "stretching"?
Tags: writer's block
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12:57 am
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sympathies
Dear Cait... I'm so VERY sorry to hear of your mother's passing. My heart and prayers are with you. (Chris, thank you for calling me... I got the message, and yes, that number still works.) Although I'm not sure my LJ still does. Won't know till I hit "send"
Love and Healing Prayers to you...
Pam
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